Fear, Love and Redemption
by Homogentisic Acid
Summary: This is my first fic, please be gentle. This starts out as a Luby. My ingenious plans to get Carby back together. May feature character death, not sure yet. Present to Future fic and moderately AU. Features various POVs. Please Read and Review.
1. Beginnings

Morning smiles  
like the face of a newborn child  
innocent unknowing  
Winter's end  
promises of a long lost friend  
speaks to me of comfort  
but I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
here in this lonely place  
tangled up in our embrace  
there's nothing I'd like  
better than to fall  
but I fear I have nothing to give

Chapter 1

Beginnings

It's been many months and I still don't understand everything that's happened to me. I don't know if I should be grateful or hateful. I stare off into space and wonder what it's all for. Why do we have to live the lives we are given? Why can't we change to something else? I used to turn these thoughts over and over in my head during my most painful childhood moments, through my struggling adult moments, and even now, as I sit here gazing out the window. It's quiet outside, not too warm and not too cold. And I wish I could redo the last few months. They've been hell for me. I wake up and wonder everyday how I've gotten through the days so far and how I will get through the next. Some days are harder than others, yet I struggle through them all. Not that I'm alone. I'm not alone anymore. I have grown so much in these past few months. I glance down to my belly and stroke the scar from a few months ago. A scar from an event that forever changed my life. The scar marks the birth of my second child, the first child to be born. An event I thought would never happen. An event heralded by violence. An event I wished had never happened.

I was standing next to the admit desk, doing what good residents do, looking for my next patient and socializing with my fellow colleagues. Sam called to me, but it wasn't my name. I should have known. I turned my head and everything became a blur. The gunfire, so painful to recall. Trying to hide for fear of my unborn child had inadvertently caused my precarious situation. I found myself falling, falling down. Then, a rush of blood from my head. A rush of blood pooling around me, too much blood I thought to myself. My pants were covered in the thick fluid and panic reached my thoughts. I don't remember passing out, but I know I did. I couldn't bear to think of what would happen to me and my baby. Someone I never thought I would want ever in my life. And here it was, in a brief moment, about to be taken away.

I feel strong arms around me. Pulling me up, a voice calling my name. Luka. He gathered me into his arms, whispering to me. He told me everything would be okay. A pain shot through my body. A pain so strong and intense that they could only be contractions. A gasp from my lips and a whimper of tears cascaded down my face and the look Luka gave me told me everything I needed to know. My baby was in danger. My body knew it, all my reactions, but I couldn't bear to try and register it in my mind. He's picking me up off the floor and placing me on a gurney. I can't move; I'm afraid that anything else I do might jeopardize the baby even further. So Luka wheels me into the trauma room. I hear him yelling to get Dr. Coburn. Tears are starting to well up in my eyes, and for the first time, I pray. I pray to whoever controls lives in the universe to protect my baby. I make a plea, a bargain that if they only spared my child, I would make a better effort to confirm my faith in all that is holy. I don't know if the entity hears me. They're calling my name, making sure I'm in the conscious world. They bring my focus back to the task at hand. Keeping me and my baby safe. I'm not far enough along, I know this. The tears start falling from my eyes. I can see Luka, he looks frightened, but I know it's not his intention. He holds my hand and I am comforted. This is his child, a new child. A child for him to have because of what he's lost.

In some ways, Luka and I are alike. We've both lost children, only he wanted his. I, on the other hand, I didn't want mine. No, that's not right. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted that first baby. Somewhere in the forefront of my mind, I knew it wouldn't be right to carry that child inside my body with no hope of a loving family. I couldn't bring that child into a life where their father might leave them and their mother might be an alcoholic and crazy. My fears, for the most part were irrational. I know that now. How many conversations have been started with if I had known then what I know now? Too many. And now, I want to start this conversation in my mind with that very same statement. I see Dr. Coburn move to my side. She tells me that she can't stop my baby from entering the world. My face crumples and my tears are no longer restrained. I grasp Luka's hand tighter as a wave of pain stretches from my back across my abdomen. The pain is so strong and I am so weak. Luka's telling me that I am being brave. That it will all be okay. As much as I want to believe him, I find it hard to have total faith in him because somewhere in the back of mind I see this as my comeuppance.

Wind in time  
rapes the flower trembling on the vine  
nothing yields to shelter itfrom above  
they say temptation will destroy our love  
the never ending hunger  
but I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
here in this lonely place  
tangled up in our embrace  
there's nothing I'd like  
better than to fall  
but I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose  
I have nothing to give  
We have so much to lose...

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Background music, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan, Fear 


	2. Anecdotes: Five Minutes

Here I was, praying to a higher power, why my baby, why? I remember when I first found out I was pregnant. I was praying that I wouldn't be carrying a baby. It was Christmas Eve and apparently the perfect day for the ER's annual Christmas party. Crappy didn't even begin to define the way I was feeling. I was sitting in the chair in the kitchen in Luka's apartment. We'd been spending a lot of time together. It felt strange. We were both in this place where we had our hearts broken and we were there for each other. The coffee pot finished brewing the good stuff. I got up to pour myself a cup and just when I lifted the mug to my lips, I felt a lurch in my stomach. I didn't think much of it; I just thought I'd forgo my coffee intake. Definitely not my caffeine intake though. It was 8:30 and I was due in for my shift at 10 o'clock. I decided it was time to get dressed. I brought some stuff over to Luka's apartment since we were spending so much time together. It was the third day I reached for the box of tampons in his cabinet, and it was the third day I discovered I didn't need any. Sometimes it's nice to not have the monthly flow and cramps and bloating, but sometimes it's a bad thing. The third day, I decided was a bad day. I started the shower and climbed in. The shower felt good, I tried to wash away any bad omens for the rest of the day before it even got started.

I arrived at work a little after 10. Oh well, Weaver could wait. I had to stop by the store to pick up the dessert for the party. Since I was there, I picked up something else. I don't know why, I thought denial was powerful. I was standing at the desk when I felt someone come up behind me, bringing me out of my thoughts. It was Luka. Luka. What was I going to do? I couldn't just tell him I suspected I was pregnant.

"Hey, I uh, got you something."

"Really?" Oh yeah, you got me something alright.

"Here, open it."

"Right now? I didn't know we were getting each other anything"

"That's okay; you didn't have to get me anything."

"Oh, I did, you're gonna love what I got you." Or rather, the fruition of what you gave me on more than one occasion.

"On second thought, why don't you wait until tomorrow morning?"

"Tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah, aren't we spending Christmas together?"

"We are?"

"Yeah, you know, you can cook Christmas dinner."

"You must've caught amnesia since the last time we dated," I had to laugh at myself. Luka was chuckling. He had a gleam in his eye. This man was truly happy that we were spending Christmas together. Maybe it won't be so bad after all.

Later in the day, after my horrible audition for Haleh, I was just feeling rather down. I'd forgotten about the item in the grocery bag in my locker. I went into the lounge and pulled it out. I guess it was now or never. No one was in the lounge and I hadn't seen Luka wandering around looking for a quick peck here and there. It was too soon to gallivant around the hospital. I took the stairs to a restroom on an upper floor. Hospitals may be big, but gossip floats around like oxygen, just waiting for people to inhale it. There's an empty corridor with a restroom on it. I smiled to myself, well smirked. It was a hideaway that Carter and I had so long ago. Damn Carter. Damn me. Can't dwell on the past now, can we?

I peer around the corner to make sure no one's around. I silently push the door open and someone's washing their hands in the sink. Great. It's no one I know, but I still feel on edge. The woman is taking forever to wash her hands. I can't enter into a stall until I know it's completely empty in the restroom. She must think I'm strange. Finally, she's finished. I wait a few seconds more as she exits to be sure that no one will see me duck into a stall. I quickly shut the door and stand for a minute with my hand to my head. Think. Think. Think. Okay, what do I do now? I know, how about I take the test out of the bag? Pee on the stick and sit and wait. Only, I'm too freaked out to pee! Calm down Abby, calm down. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in. Blow out. Okay, you can do this, no harm, no foul? I take the test out of the box, out of its package and I squat over the seat. I relieve myself onto the stick and place it on the floor. It says to place it on a flat surface. I clean myself up a bit and wait. It's supposed to take five minutes. Five minutes. What do I do? This is going to take forever! What am I gonna do if it turns out to be positive? Can I go through with it this time? Really and truly? Am I ready? Am I over my fears? Four minutes. How can I bring a child into this world? What is my situation with Luka? He was convenient. We weren't really starting a relationship again, were we? Three minutes. He said we were spending Christmas together. That's what people in relationships do, right? I even asked him if he'd caught amnesia since the last time we dated! That just blatantly wreaks relationship. I guess it kinda snuck up on us. Two minutes. Really, how long does this stupid thing take? I want to peak, but I'm too afraid. There's a knot forming in my stomach. Suddenly I realize I don't need the stupid test to tell me what I'm already feeling in my stomach. I'm pregnant; I know it to be true. One minute. Will this last minute really matter? I don't think it will. I steal a peak. What's this? I pick up the test and scrutinize it. The lighting in the restroom really blows. I think I see one strongly pink line, it's supposed to be there. What I'm really looking for is a second pink line. That little line will confirm my worst fears. My watch beeps. No more minutes to wait. I see the line. I knew I would. I blow out a long breath. My break is over. Weaver will be paging me any minute now. I throw the stick back in the box and I put the box in the grocery bag and I put the grocery bag in the trashcan. I don't want anyone to know it's there. I don't wanna know it's there. Out of sight, out of mind. The knotty feeling my stomach says otherwise. Damn.


	3. Confessions

Okay, I'm finally getting the hang of this porgram. This chapter is a bit longet than the first two. It also seems I've forgotten the customary disclaimers: None of these characters belong to me, just some of the filler and the way I think the relationships should have gone.

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

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Confessions

I saunter down the hallway with a frown plastered on my face. Should I be frowning? This is a happy moment for some people. Is it a happy moment for me? I don't know; I guess not, I don't feel much like smiling. Working in the ER just seems to drag forever. There are hardly patients for me to see. I hate slow days like these. They give me too much time to think about too many things. I thought work would be a good distraction. I thought wrong. Walking up to admit, I scan the rack looking for a patient that I could spend time with, someone who could occupy my time until it was time to go to the party. Hmmmm…abscess, constipation, kid with a stomach ache – none of these look particularly interesting. Jerry sticks a chart in my face. Does he ever have a great way of picking out patients for me.

"What's this?"

"It's a chart, what does it look like?"

"Yeah, but why'd you give me this? "

"You looked like you needed help picking out a chart; you've been standing here for 10 minutes."

"I have not, have I?" Jerry simply nods his head with a slight grin on his face.

"You sure have and Weaver's been spotted. Hate for you to get into trouble because you're being picky."

Man, it felt as if I'd only been standing at the rack for 2 seconds, not ten minutes. Jerry was right, I see Kerry heading up to the admit desk. It seems like she actually gets something out of working during this holiday season. Maybe Henry's spending time with his grandparents and she's trying to occupy her time. Grandparents. Grandparent. If I have this baby, I would make Maggie a Grandparent. Now there's a thought, Maggie a grandparent. She wasn't exactly the world's trophy mother. But then again, I made it to adulthood, scarred, but I made it. We all have our demons, our imperfections and it's not fair to blame them on other people. What's done is done, I can't go back and change everything that happened. What's done is done. I reach down to my belly, and think again, what's done is done. Those thoughts were running through my head in a not so distant past. All I did was destroy what was done.

"Are you going to treat that patient or stand here with your head up your ass?" Weaver's comments jolted me out of my silent guilt trip.

"Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about how to treat this patient" I tried to cover myself.

"Well, how 'bout you start by talking to the patient and getting a history - isn't that one of the first things you learned, Dr, Lockhart?"

"Yes ma'am, I'll get right on it."

Sarcasm really gets me through the day. So does caffeine – ahhh, caffeine, one of life's little pleasures that I would have to give up if I decided to keep this baby. I look down at the chart. Charts always have some sort of patient history when they're started. Oh boy. Yeah Jerry, you sure do know how to pick charts for doctors, don't you? The patient is a 24-year old who is 5 weeks along and I think how far along I am. I've only been sleeping with Luka for about two weeks – I guess they're right, it only takes one time.

"Mrs. Drake?"

"It's Miss, and you can call me Anna."

"Okay, Anna, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, I'm pregnant and I had blood in my underwear earlier today and I didn't know what to do."

"Okay, well, it's good that you came in. Do you have an ob/gyn?"  
"No, I haven't had time to make an appointment to see one. I only found out last week that I was pregnant. I haven't told the father yet. I'm not sure I want to keep it. I mean, ever since I was young I've wanted to have kids, but this isn't how I wanted them. I wanted to be married for at least 5 years. I wanted to be established in my field of work."

"Sounds like you've got some things to work out, huh? I know it can be hard, but remember, you've got to do what's best for you," I say as I sit down on the stool and reach for a pair of examination gloves.

"I know, but this baby didn't ask to be conceived, we never ask to be conceived. It's a decision that our parents make. It's a decision I have to make. I know I didn't plan to conceive, but I do need to make a decision. I can't make it one-sided can I?"

I think for a minute, not sure of how to answer her. I made a one-sided decision; I'd gotten an abortion. I didn't bother to tell the father. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd told him about the baby. Something that was to be the epitome of our love. But I had to think, what was our love? Was there any love? I had decided that there was no love between us and there shouldn't be a representation of what isn't there. I had to pick my words carefully. I have no idea what her entire situation is, she could really have love for her baby's father. I think it's best to avoid this situation for now.

"Okay, Anna, I need for you to lie back so I can perform an exam to see if I can't figure out why you're bleeding, okay? Sometimes women spot a little and it's completely normal."

"Okay. Do you think everything's okay? I mean, I know I'm not sure what I want, but I don't think it should be taken away before I have the opportunity to decide. But then again, if I'm not meant to have this child, there's nothing I can do about it, is there?"

Anna lays back and tears silently trail down her face. Poor girl, she is so confused. It seems like she knows what she wants to happen with her life and yet not so sure. She sounds a lot like me. There were things I wanted to do with my life – things that Richard and I wanted to do with our lives. We were both going to be doctors. That never panned out the way I wanted. Life can't be planned that way, just like our child wasn't planned. Just like Luka and my child wasn't planned. Is it fair for me to destroy it? I finish the exam and snap off my gloves.

"Well, Anna, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong. Your placenta looks intact. What I would suggest is that if you really want to keep this baby that you talk it over with your boyfriend and get an ob/gyn. We can't always plan out our lives the way we want them to go. Life happens and we just have to roll with it, k? I'm gonna get you checked out and you can go. It's the holiday season; your boyfriend might like a nice Christmas gift." My boyfriend…Luka might like this Christmas gift.

"Yeah, so I'm not having a miscarriage?" I shake my head no.

"Then I guess that's God's way of telling me it's okay to go ahead and have this baby then, isn't it?"

"I guess so," I reply to her. Not that I'm a believer, but it's important to reassure the patient.

"Do you think I could have a picture? I've just gotten the coolest idea of how I want to tell John about the baby. I think he'll love it."

"Sure, let me get the ultrasound and I'll get a tech to come take a look, okay?" Anna nods her head yes with a twinkle in her eye. See? Pregnancy is a happy time. Ugh, this idea Anna just got in her head about how she wants to tell John – John. There's a name – person that I haven't thought of in a while. Wow, that hits an emotional part of me and I feel tears well up in my eyes. Hormones are apart of being pregnant too. I could've sworn I'd gotten over him. How am I going to tell Luka? Maybe I should ask Anna how she plans on telling her John. Maybe not, she seems too cheesy.

"Hey Abby!" I hear someone call down the corridor.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't you going to be late for the party? You told me to let you know when it was 6, but you were in with a patient."

"Oh, yeah, thanks," I answer back. Oh shit. I forgot to take time out to get Luka a present. Well, I could get a sonogram and give that to Luka. That would definitely beat the gift he's gotten me. Damn, I'm supposed to meet Luka at the bar down the street in a few minutes. I don't have enough time to find someone who would keep my secret safe enough to not blurb to everyone until I figure out what to do. I dash into the lounge to grab my coat. Gift, gift, gift. There's nothing in my locker that I could pass of as a gift. Oh gifts! The gift shop. Why hadn't I thought of that before?

I run over to the gift shop and scan the shelves. All of this stuff sucks. Oh well, I'm already a little late, "Abby better hurry up and pick something," I tell myself. There are snow globes at the counter, those are nice. I don't recall seeing snow globes in his apartment. I grab a gift bag and the snow globe and hand the cashier a five and dash out the door. I can't believe I'm giving Luka a gift that has no thought put into it at all. Maybe I can show him a good time and that will make it all better. "Abby, that's how you got yourself into this situation to begin with, isn't it?" I tell myself.

I pause before I enter the bar. I need a moment to gather my thoughts, to make sure I don't do something that I might regret. I take a breath and I push the door open. Haleh and Morris are on the stage. Looks like someone got through her auditions. I scan the room looking for Luka and spot him at the bar. Wow. Am I ready to take this step? Am I ready to take this step with Luka? Would I like to take this step with someone else? I'm not sure I know the answer to those questions, but I have to face facts and the facts are that I am currently carrying a man's child with whom I was just hanging with for kicks. Now the tides have changed.

"Hey, sorry I'm late."

"That's okay; I was just admiring Haleh and Morris' act, who knew, huh?"

"Yeah, who knew?"

"So, you uh, wanna open your present now?" Luka motions towards me.

"Oh, yeah." I pull out the box he'd given me earlier in the day. I pop open the top and he watches the bewildered expression that pops onto my face. "A compass?"

"Yeah. It seems that no matter what we go through, we always seem to find each other." Oh wow, I think to myself. This guy is so, so, I don't know how to explain it. I know now that I have to tell him, and the sooner the better, we have a lot of things to discuss before they get too far out of hand.

"Um, here's your present." I say handing him the bag with the snow globe in it.

"Oh, I didn't think you'd gotten me one." I feel the heat rise to my face at the thought of sheer embarrassment of the gift I've gotten him. Then again, the baby in my belly can certainly top the snow globe.

"It's lovely, thanks"

"Luka, can we uh, can we talk for a minute?" I hate to be so forward, but if I don't get this over and done with now, I'm going to pass out from the excitement.

"Uh, sure." He remains seated at the bar. Guys can be so dense sometimes.

"Um, outside?"

"Okay."

We walk outside the comforting warmth of the bar and I suddenly get the feeling that the change of environments is a sign of things to come. Or maybe, maybe I'm just over thinking things. Luka is staring at me now; I guess I should say something.

"Well, you know, these past two weeks have been great."

"They have, haven't they?"

"And I don't wanna do anything to ruin this, since it's going a lot better than last time." Oh goodness, I'm rambling. I don't think Luka knows what I'm trying to say, I'm not sure I know either.

"Well, I don't think you can do anything like that."

"Luka," I sigh "Luka, I'm pregnant." There, I said it; I let the cat out of the bag. The ball's in his court now and I hope he keeps it bouncing.

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This was a little longer than the other ones. Thanks for all the reviews! Please keep reading and reviewing and I'll update as soon as possible!  



	4. Secret Thoughts

Well, reviews have stopped coming in, so I thought that it was time to update. Here's the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoy!

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Secret Thoughts 

I stand facing her. I don't know what to say to the news she has just given me. She's pregnant. How can that be? Certainly we were careful, weren't we? She's staring at me with expectant eyes; waiting for me to say something, I guess. I guess I should say something. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to come to me and tell me.

"Well, that's wow." Good job, Luka.

"Yeah, I know:" She offers a little giggle, not that the situation is humorous, but it certainly does alleviate the tension a little.

"Do you, uh, do you want to go somewhere and talk?" I offer.

"Um, sure, that would be good."

We start walking down the street, unsure of our destination. We just have an intent and purpose. There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now and I can't figure any of them out. Should I ask her to marry me? No, it's too soon for that. I've just barely gotten out of a relationship with Sam and I think Abby just recently ended something with one of her residents. I have to let her know that it's okay; that everything will be alright.

"So, how long have you known?" I don't think we'll exactly find a place to sit and talk. Abby's fidgety, might as well get it out of the way now.

"Uh, to tell the truth, only for a couple of hours." She pushes a piece of hair behind her ear as she responds to my inquiries.

"Really? And you're sure?" Oooo, that might not have been a good question to ask. She stops in her tracks and turns to me. She regards me for a minute. I continue on.

"What I mean to say is, did you get a blood test?" She nods her comprehension and turns back towards the street and begins walking again.

"No, I didn't take a blood test. I took a home pregnancy test during my break. Call it a woman's intuition. Believe me, if I had the slightest inkling that perhaps I wasn't, I would've jumped on it." So, she's certain that she is pregnant. At least I didn't go shoot my mouth off and ask if I was the father. I know we're not exactly in a defined relationship where we should be faithful to each other, but I don't think Abby would come to me if she wasn't sure.

"What are you thinking about?" Abby asks me.

"Oh, nothing," I lie. "Well, I'm just trying to take it all in. What are you thinking?" Respond to a question with a question, that's something I've picked up in American culture.

"Well, it's certainly a lot to take in. I don't know what I want to do right now."

"What do you mean?"  
"I, uh," Suddenly she seems a little uneasy.

"It's okay, you can tell me." I prod her. I can see lots of things running around in that little head of hers.

"Listen, I actually want to think about this some more, you know? I don't want to say anything without thinking it through first. Maybe I should just go back to my apartment."

"Okay, yeah. My truck's just back this way, I can drop you off if you'd like." There go my plans for a nice Christmas morning with Abby.

"Thanks, Luka that would be great."

We walk back to my truck in an uneasy silence. She doesn't speak, and I don't bombard her with any more questions. She said she wanted to think and I guess I should let her think. I can't imagine what she's going through. She doesn't seem to be in good spirits. I remember when Danijela told me she was pregnant with Jasna. I remember when she told me she was pregnant with Marco. We were so young and happy. My life was different back then. I've come a long way, now that I think about it. I see how much I've changed, but I also see how much I've grown. Abby has certainly been a huge part of that. So has Sam. I'm not sure what to make of everything right now. Sleeping with Abby wasn't exactly on my list of things to do right after my break up with Sam. I wanted things with Sam to be different than they were. We were drifting apart. I can't believe the things I went through to try and make it work with her. I don't know. Maybe I thought I could settle down with her. We just wanted different things. And with Abby, she made the first move. And then she made another move with one Dr. Carter. And then he made a move without Abby. I could see how that hurt her, her and him, whether she knows it or not. But those situations are neither here nor there. What I do know is that I am with Abby, undefined, and she is with my child. I think I want to be with her. I've wanted to be with her, but we'd moved into different directions. The compass gift is such a picture of irony. We truly do seem to find each other. Is it fate? Or a culmination of unforeseen events? I wish I had a direct line with someone who knew all the answers. It would certainly make life easier.

We get into my truck and buckle up. Abby leans against the window and I crank the truck and put it into gear. I maneuver the truck on autopilot. I know the way to Abby's apartment without thinking about it. I'd spent a couple of days there in the past weeks, and she's spent a couple of days at my apartment as well. We threw caution to the wind and embraced pent up passions. There are forces at work, it would seem, pushing us together. The forces are pushing us in this direction. They have placed an opportunity on our laps and all we have to do is get up and walk with it. Take what we've been given and do wondrous things with it. I can only hope Abby realizes this.

The drive to Abby's isn't far. I don't want to be forward and suggest that I'll see her tomorrow. She seems quite solemn. I pull up in front of the building and place the truck in park. She turns to me and speaks, "You don't have to come up with me. I'd really just like to be alone with my thoughts right now."

"Of course, I want you take as much time as you need, I'll be here." I say as I open my door to go around to the other side of the truck. I feel I must show her how much I care for her now, how much I support her. I open the door and bow as she steps out; she offers a slight giggle and heads for the stairs.

"I'll call you, okay?" She says as she begins ascending the steps to her building.

"Okay. And if I don't see you tomorrow, Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, Luka." She says just before she pushes the door open and disappears inside.

I get back into my truck and decide to go for a drive through the city. I'd wanted to spend Christmas Eve with Abby and wake up in bed with her Christmas morning. I couldn't go back to my apartment now. It would be empty, not at all how I pictured the night.

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There ya have it! I know, it may seem a little bleak, but the next chapter has more...how do you say...oomph? And as always, thanks for your reviews! 

A personal thanks to:

XxcarbyxX, CarbyLivesOn (it certianly does!), smok, and AmYkYo

Thanks for the reviews!


	5. Little Things

I was hoping for a couple of reviews before I updated the next chapter :-(

As always, none of the characters belong to me, only the filler because tptb seriously skimped on the relationship between Abby and Luka during the pregnancy. I hope you guys enjoy!

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I awoke with a start, not sure how I'd gotten into my apartment, showered and dressed for bed and actually slept. I t was around 8:30 in the morning, Christmas morning. I glance to the empty spot in my bed and get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel so sad and alone. Christmas can either be a happy time, or a sad time, and right now, I think it's a sad time. No one should spend this holiday alone, no matter how much they think they might. I know Abby probably isn't awake right now; she probably spent the entire night thinking about things. I know I said I'd wait for her to call, but I have to know what she's thinking right now. Thinking, what did I think of last night? What exactly did my thoughts say to me during my drive? I think, I think they said this is right. The baby may be an unexpected event in your life but somehow, this is right. I feel I have to make Abby understand this, she can sometimes get lost in her own world. She doesn't understand that if she takes a step back to look at things, at where she's been and where she can go, she'll realize that she's done a lot in her life; overcome a lot of things. I don't think she eats right. But I don't think there are any stores open this morning either. I can imagine her waking up in bed all alone. I don't think she'll want to be alone this morning. It can be a wonderful morning if you want it to be. Then and there, I decide that I will have a wonderful Christmas morning and want to make sure that Abby has one as well.

I hop out of bed and head to my kitchen and rumble through my cabinets. Good thing Sam stocked my cabinets and only she cooked things out of there. I preferred my takeout, and since Sam wasn't here to cook this stuff, in the cabinets is where it stayed. I find blueberry and strawberry muffin mixes. Maybe I can make her a nice Christmas morning breakfast. Awww, poor Abby, she won't drink coffee, perhaps, yes, I do, Alex's hot chocolate. Now, where are those – ha! Marshmallows. Danijela liked those when she was pregnant with Marko, perhaps Abby will like them too. I preheat the oven and get started on the little breakfast spread so I can take it to Abby's apartment where I plan to spend a nice Christmas morning. I put the muffins in and look around the apartment. My eyes wonder over to the little Christmas tree. I decided last minute to get one so that Abby and I could wake up and rush over to it to unwrap more presents. Only, I don't think she's gotten me anything more than that snow globe. I walk over to the tree and begin picking up the boxes, some for me, some for Abby and I stuff them into my Santa Claus bag. I realize that the muffins have about 10 more minutes in the oven, so I decide if I'm going to show to Abby's unannounced, I should at least be decent.

I'm still in the shower when I hear the timer in the kitchen go off. I quickly turn off the water, grab my towel and make a mad dash for the kitchen, almost slipping from the dripping water off my body. No sense in me bringing burned food. I turn the timer off and pull the muffins out to cool. I decide to turn on some music festive for the occasion. I flick on the stereo system and manage to find a station playing Christmas music all day. I'll Be Home for Christmas is playing and makes me think that taking over the muffin breakfast is just perfect. I walk back into my bedroom and begin to towel off. I pull out some boxer briefs and a pair of black slacks. I wonder over to my closet and pull out a dark green sweeter, it's no Santa Clause outfit, but I'm not even bold enough to walk around literally looking like Santa Claus. I don't think I could handle the outfit with the muffins and the bag full of gifts. I head back to my dresser and pull out an undershirt. I grab for some cologne and then remember that when Danijela was pregnant with Jasna she didn't care too much for my cologne. Guess I will have to do without it, hopefully the smell of soap will be good enough. I quickly run a comb through my hair and head bad to the kitchen. The muffins should be cool by now. Now, what do I put them in? Oh, a picnic basket! I find the basket that I'd bought to take Abby out on a picnic with, but we never got around to that the first time through. Okay, in go the muffins, the hot chocolate packets, and marshmallows. Alrighty, I guess I'm all ready to go over to Abby's. I only hope she won't be too upset.

I parked my truck around the corner and walked to Abby's building. I stopped in front of the steps and said a little prayer, "Here goes nothing," I say to myself. I climb the steps and push open the door. I walk up to the second landing and round the corner. I'm merely steps away from the door and I hear her retching. Well, if I didn't think she was pregnant last night, I do believe this erased all my doubts. I knock on the door, why, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps to "announce" myself. I find the door unlocked and quickly step inside, leaving the basket and bag by the door. I step to her kitchen and fill a glass of water. I head down the hall, calling to her so I don't surprise her.

"Abby! Are you okay?" Dumb question, Luka, she's in the bathroom puking her guts out and it's all because of you.

"Luka?" I hear the surprise in her voice as she starts into another round. I step through her bathroom door and place the glass down on the floor and go to Abby's side. I pull back her hair while reaching for a washcloth to place on her forehead.

'Thanks." She says as she starts to sit up.

"Hey, take it easy. Here, I took the liberty of brining you a glass of water." She takes the glass of water and sips at it slowly, uneasy from the torment her body has just experienced.

"Thanks." She says again. "What are you doing here?" Uh-oh, I didn't think she'd pounce on me this quickly.

"I uh, thought we were spending Christmas together, remember?" I offered.

"Oh, well, I thought after last night we wouldn't see each other for a couple of days, sorry. I'm not prepared to entertain Christmas guests today."

"That's okay, this has been entertaining." I say with a grin, hoping to lighten the mood. "I brought muffins."

"How sweet, only, I don't think my belly's welcoming food right now."

"That's okay, they can wait. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, a little; a little sad though."

"Oh, why is that?"

"Well, I was really hoping for some coffee this morning, not a lot, but I really wanted some. Apparently even the smell is too much."

"Well, you know you shouldn't really be drinking that." I say to her.

"It's okay for me to have one cup and that's all I was going to drink."

"If you say so, I brought you hot chocolate instead, would you like some of that?" I ask as I help her off the bathroom floor. She exits and goes to her room and grabs a towel.

"Sure, you can try fixing that and after I take a shower, perhaps I can stomach some of your muffins too." And with that she pushes me out of the bathroom towards her kitchen.

Well, she certainly seems more receptive than I thought she would. I walk back towards the living area of her apartment and pick up my Santa bag and picnic basket. I go into the kitchen and start to heat up a kettle to boil water for the hot chocolate. I then take my Santa bag over to Abby's Christmas tree and start emptying the contents. Abby sure is taking a long time in the shower. It feels kind of chilly in here. The fireplace is right next to the tree and I decide to build a fire, only Abby has no firewood. Good job, Abby. I remember I was going to bring some more by her apartment, I think I actually loaded into my truck. I head outside to my truck and notice that it's started snowing again. I take as many logs as I think I can carry and head back inside. The kettle's whistling when I get back in and I take it off the burner. I then walk back over to the fireplace and start the fire. I hear Abby come out of the bathroom and close her bedroom door. Strange, I've seen her in all her beauty before, but I guess things are a little awkward for us right now and I have to respect her. The water has probably cooled some, so I head into the kitchen and pull down two mugs.

"Hey, Abby! Do you want marshmallows in your hot chocolate?" I call to her.

"Um, yeah!" She yells back.

She walks down the hall, hair damp with a pair of jeans and a warm cream-colored cashmere sweater.

"Wow, looks like Santa paid me a visit this morning instead of last night. Did I make the good list at the last minute?" She's so cute when she's relaxed.

"I suppose you did. Here, let's go sit down." I say to her, handing her a mug.

"Mmm, this is good. Thanks, Luka, I know this isn't easy."

"Hey, it's okay. I just want you to have fun today. It's Christmas and I don't think people should be alone on Christmas."

"No, I don't think people should be alone on Christmas either." She pauses, and then continues, "As much as I'd hate to ruin this moment, I'd like to make one request though. I hope you'll understand." Strange, but I nod my head to signal her to continue.

"I know I told you last night I wanted to think about everything and even though I did do some thinking last night, I'm still not done thinking and I don't want to discuss anything until I've done enough thinking, okay?" I nod my head in understanding. And here we are, leaning into each other on her sofa in front of the warm fire sipping on our hot chocolates.

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There ya have it, the next installment. Please submit a review even if you've already submitted one for previous chapters...it lets me know you're still reading and enjoying the story. 


	6. Decisions

Sorry it took me so long to upload the next chapter. I got really busy towards the end of summer with classes, and then I was in the hospital for a week with non-sustained ventricular tachycardia and they did an Electrophysiological Study and did over 45 ablations. So, I ended up missing the first week of classes and unfortunately I've been behind ever since.

The season seems to be going rather well; although I'm not fond of the new theme entrance - so not ER...anyways, here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

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Decisions

I can't take this anymore, the days are passing, and with every passing day, my opportunities for decision-making slip away. I sit in the dark of my apartment, on the sofa. The Christmas Tree in the corner still sits with opened presents on the floor. I take a breath. Alright, it's time for me to make some decisions. I'm not sure which ones I'm going to make, but I need to make them before it gets too late. I glance to the clock on the wall and realize that I'd better get moving soon or else I'm sure Weaver will have me on bed pan duty.

I stroll through the hospital, taking in all that I see. Things seem different when you remove yourself from your surroundings. I move through the corridor without really moving, I'm totally on auto-pilot. I'm lost in a daze; a world of confusion and I don't think I can function until I've gotten this situation under control. Luka and I haven't spoken since Christmas and I know he's getting anxious. I walk into the lounge, and there he is, sitting. Perhaps, perhaps now is as good a time as any.

"Hey, Luka." He's looking down at a journal. How anyone can read those is beyond me.

"Hmm? Hi, Abby." He looks up quickly and drifts his glaze back down, as if avoiding me.

"Can we, uh, can we talk?" Great way to start the conversation.

"Well, you know Abby, last time you wanted to talk, you told me you were pregnant, I don't think anything more will happen."

"Yeah," I say with a nervous laughter. "This is really, really important, though."

"Alright, shall we go for a walk?" He stands up and offers me his hand, and I take it. We walk outside the lounge and quickly drop hands. We walk towards the entrance of the hospital towards what has been aptly called the Roach Coach.

"Hot chocolate?"

"Hmmm?" I hadn't realized we'd gotten to the Roach Coach.

"Uh, no, not right now. I just really, really want to say what I have to say."

"Alright, you won't mind if I get a coffee? Won't bother you too much?" Aww, he remembers that coffee, as of late, has been making my stomach turn. I decidedly shake me head no. There's no since in denying him that life pleasure. He gets his drink and then we go stand on the corner.

"Well?" He wants to start the conversation, I guess I should, I'm the one who wanted to have one.

"Listen, I know I told you I wanted to think about this, but what I didn't tell you was the reason, reasons, actually, why."

"Oh-kay."

"Okay?" He shakes his head to urge me to continue on. "Okay, yeah, um, this isn't exactly my first pregnancy." He looks up from his coffee cup.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I was uh, married, to my husband, ex, I mean, ex-husband."

"Yeah, what happened? Did you lose the baby?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"Oh, Abby, I'm sorry, I didn't know." He moves to hug me and I step away.

"Don't be sorry, Luka. It was something to mourn." Now he just looks confused. I don't really know what I'm saying, who doesn't mourn for their children? I don't think I did. I mean, I was sad a little at first, but I knew I did what had to be done. No regrets I told myself, no regrets.

"Abby, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I had an abortion. Richard and I, we weren't really together anymore. We didn't need a baby, not when our lives were falling apart. I decided it would be easier if the baby just disappeared and we both went our separate ways. And that's what happened and I never really thought about it. But then, then this happened. I guess that's why I've been avoiding you and wanting to think things through, okay? I need for you to understand that, can you? Can you understand and not ask me any questions about it?" He just stands there, for a minute, two minutes. And I'm just waiting for him to say something, anything. He can express his disappointment, if only he'd just say something.

"Well, I'm not here to pass judgment on you, Abby. I can only tell you that I will support whatever decision you make. What I will not do, however, is pretend that it doesn't hurt. That if you decide to get rid of the baby that it won't hurt, okay? I want you to keep this baby, and I want you to know that I will be right by your side, supporting and loving you." And with that, he walks back towards the entrance, leaving me on the corner feeling like some cheap whore with no feelings. And that is how I feel right now, stoic. I decide I've had enough standing on the corner and I walk back inside.

I spot Dr. Coburn down in the ER and I walk towards her.

"Hey, Janet," she looks up at me.

"Hey Abby, I heard you really went over to the dark side." She moves from patient to patient and I try to keep up with her because I'm unsure what it is I intend to ask.

"Uh, I heard you started your own practice?"

"Yes, but I still see patients here."

"Uh, it's not for a patient."

"Oh, I see, well I'm in clinics on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"I, uh, kinda wanted to see someone today."

"Well, I do take appointments this afternoon, just stop by." I shake my head in an unsure direction and move back towards admit. This is going to be a long afternoon.

My afternoon has quieted down enough for me to ask Luka if he will cover my shift, he begrudgingly obliges my request and I give him a silent nod. I tell him I'll call him later with whatever it is I decide. And so here I am, walking through the doors of Janet's practice. I think of all the days I spent with her in OB and how we shared our ups and downs, rejoicings and mournings of the many children delivered there. "It's not fair," we'd here the mothers who lost their children say. "No, it's not fair," we'd reply and try to offer some sense of comfort to the grieving parents. Grieving parents, that's what Luka and I would be if I chose to end this pregnancy. I sit down in a chair next to a woman who doesn't look too happy to be there. I can't decide if I'm happy to be here either. I begin to fill out the chart the nurse gave me at the check-in counter. I begin filling out my information and the nurse calls me back. I'm not so sure I'm ready for this. I'm not so sure I want to be here by myself. I'm not sure if I want Luka to be here either. Here goes nothing.

"Well, hello, Abby. How are things?" Janet walks in and takes a seat on the rolling stool as I am seated high on the examination table with a gown. I merely wave my hand with my head lightly bent.

"Well, that's not exactly the response I was looking for, but I'll take it. So, what brings you here today?"

"Well, I'm pregnant and I'm not sure what I want to do about it."

"Really? Well, what is it you were thinking? Perhaps, I can help?" I don't really want to explain to her how I found myself in this condition, I know she's just going to play Devil's Advocate, to help me see all sides of the situation so that I can make the best decision for all parties involved. We were trained to do that, heck, I did it not so long ago with the lady in the hospital. Only, I didn't really have to direct her either way or the other, she already knew in her heart what she wanted. I think I already know in my heart what I want.

"I, I'm not sure anymore," I begin. "I used to think I didn't want kids, I mean, I've already had one abortion. But, I've been thinking, perhaps a little too much, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, you know? I mean, look how far I've come. I don't drink anymore, I'm a second-year resident, I'm no longer plagued by my crazy family. But then I think of all the reasons why I got the abortion in the first place, my drinking, my choice of career and my crazy family. I mean, what if this baby grows into a person who develops bipolar disease because I couldn't decide to save it the hardship? What if something bad happens to me and I start drinking again? You think you have these things under control, but I know; I know you have to keep an eye on them. What if I'm unable to finish my residency if I have this child? I know people fall in love with their children and give everything up that they've ever worked for, and I don't think I can do that. I want to be a doctor, I've worked so hard for this and I don't think a child should take that away from me, that's not a selfish way to think, is it?" I stop for a minute and Janet eyes me carefully before she responds.

"Abby, you were an OB nurse, you know what I'm going to say as a doctor. What you don't know is what I'm going to say to you as a colleague, a friend. You can do all those things, if you truly want to. If you want to have this baby and work, you can do that. I you want to have this baby and not work, you can do that too. No one is going to tell you one way or the other and the people that judge you along those lines never had the change to make that decision and that's why they judge. "

"I guess. And then, there is the father to consider. He's already lost two children. How can I take any more from him? This was totally unexpected, unplanned. I don't really know what to think."

"You know as well as I do, Abby, that everyone who walks through these doors come here with a purpose. Whether they choose to have their baby or not, they already know. They just want someone to support their decision. I know that you already know what it is you want to do and you just want someone to support you." These words ring true in my mind. I do have someone to support me, Luka. He said that whatever I decided, he would be there to support me. I nod my head in understanding, and I turn to Janet, "Okay."

"Okay? Do you know what you want to do?" I shake my head yes again, as if I would change my mind at a moment's chance if I think on this too long.

"Well, first things first, let's check the fetus, shall we? Let me get a nurse and we'll start with the ultrasound, okay?" I nod my head again and lay back on the table in wait.


	7. A Chance Meeting, Perhaps

A/N: Hey, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I'm back now...I think. I feel like writing again. It's been a long time since Season 12 (an entire year!) and they haven't been so keen on showing re-runs of Season 12 eps, so these chapters are going to get really AU. Hope you enjoy!

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Chapter 7: A Chance Meeting, Perhaps

I couldn't say no, now could I? I told her that I would support her, whatever she decided. So when she asked me if I would cover the rest of her shift so she could leave for an appointment, I didn't have to ask where she was going, I already knew. She was going to seal the fate of our unborn child, a child that we may never see. I hope I made her understand how much I really care for her and how much I really really think we should have this baby. It is half of me and half of her, hopefully the best parts. She is beautiful, strong, and independent, but I only hope that she can learn to lean on me – anyone else, sometimes. I want her to see that the burden does not always have to fall on her.

That was a lesson I had to learn so many years ago, a lesson, I think, I am still learning. I must somehow have to figure out how not to care so much. Sometimes I think I want to care too much, to help out too much. I can't help it, that's who I am, it's what I do. No one seems to understand that. Abby does. On some level, we connect with each other. On some levels we don't, and I think that's what makes us work. We both have lead painful lives, at point we were so happy, yet it was all taken away in one fell swoop. And when we lost that connection to happiness, we never got it back. We slipped further and further away, drifting into the quiet of unhappiness and watched everyone go by. It was so dark where we were, that no one saw us. And then, we bumped into each other in the dark. I don't know why she kissed me in the ambulance bay that day. I attributed it to my good looks and charms. I certainly wasn't vying for her attention. I was nursing an open wound left by Carol. I came to America and already I was losing again. I thought God had perhaps given me a family again when I got to know Carol. I was wrong; she too was snatched away from me. So there I was, and there Abby was. We were there, together. We somehow found each other in the dark.

Our fist date, not necessarily the best. And then, the aftermath, I couldn't live. Abby seemed to move on without conviction, but I, I held on to my sin. I killed that man and I didn't have to. I didn't have to beat him to a bloody pulp on the concrete. He was somebody. He had to be. He had to be a person that someone cared for. Everyone cares for someone, don't they? I cared enough for Danijela and Marko and Jasna. I cared enough for Carol and Tess and Kate. And then I was caring enough for Abby. All the while I was busy caring, I lost them. I lost Danijle, Marko and Jasna to a war in my country of birth. I lost Carol, Tess and Kate to a man they had never really left. And Abby, I don't think I exactly lost her. I think I gave her up. I figured she was no longer interested in me. I could tell. There was something there between her and Carter, they couldn't see it, but I could. I was jealous, terribly. I was tired of being left by people I cared for. So I convinced myself I no longer cared for her. I said some pretty harsh things and set her free. I had hoped she'd come back to me; that's the way the saying goes, yes? And I cared deeply. But we went our separate ways.

We didn't move on from each other very well. I quickly found myself involved with a young woman, Nicole was her name. I don't know why. It didn't take me long to screw her, because that's all it was, screwing, it meant nothing. She was the first person I was able to not care for. I didn't care for her because I still cared somewhere, I think, for Abby. I wanted to make her jealous. But why? I'm the one that broke up with her. I was the jealous one and she was completely innocent. I don't doubt her sincerity towards me. She didn't immediately jump in the bed with Carter. Then something happened, and I thought she was jealous. It was my chance to hold that power of having someone to be jealous of me. Abby told me Nicole wasn't who I thought she was. Nicole told me she was pregnant and although I didn't know what to do with myself or my feelings on it, I knew I had to marry her. That was they way to do things.

But Abby warned me, told me that she wasn't really pregnant. I was really angry with Abby for saying something like that. I was also quite pleased with myself because I'd done something to make her jealous of me. Then Nicole left; told me there was no baby. Then I felt like an idiot. And Abby, she never said anything.

Then, there was Brian. I think that was the turning point in Abby's life. A time in which she decided she needed to change some things. She tried to help her neighbor whose husband took to beating her when he had one too many drinks. And for her troubles, she ended up with a bruised face. A bruised sense of being. Another failure to her life, perhaps. I offered her my place to stay for as long as she wanted, because I still cared for her. She stayed for a little while. But there was always this space between us. Things weren't quite right. I don't know if it was me or her. Then I don't know if it was my indifference with my life at that moment in time. I didn't know what to do, so I left.

I left because I couldn't care anymore. I left because I wanted to care. I went to Africa, to care for the people there. It was great, exhilarating, even. Here were people who needed someone to care for them. To help them through their everyday lives, illness, day-to-day functioning. I learned a great deal about the culture and I learned a new way to care. I found a new person to care for, Gillian, as short-lived as that romance was. Strange, how it didn't hurt to not care for her when it was over. I thought it didn't hurt as much when it was time for me to return to my home. And then, I couldn't decide where my home was. Where did I belong? I went to Croatia and looked around. But the country of my birth, the one I cared for so long, wasn't there. The Croatia I returned to was no longer mine to care for. So I came back to the States. I was a different man, I was embittered. I had run out of things to care for. I was disenchanted with work. When I was in Africa, there existed a raw passion when it came to practicing medicine. We didn't have a ton of diagnostic tools at our fingertips. We had to make do with what we had. And I loved that. I tired to teach Pratt a couple of things, but he was stubborn and pig-headed about everything. Thought he knew what he was doing. I guess we all tend to get cocky sometimes. Then there was Carter and Abby. My, how close they'd gotten since I left the picture. I was in a way, relieved. I was glad they were together. It was a reason for me to stay away from her, to move on with my life. Move on to where, though? I couldn't. So, I left again.

I don't remember much of what happened. All I knew is that Carter came to rescue me. I was in Africa, helping the people and I was in a village and I was taken. Many of the villagers were killed. And I remember being ill. And I remember Carter coming to my side to help. He brought me safely back to the States. He cared for me. Someone else cared for me. We grew close after that. I convinced him to come to Africa with me. To see how the other half lives. We went and worked wonders there, we both could feel the change. It was great.. Then something happened. He and Abby fell apart for whatever reasons. I never asked her why. That was another point in her life where she began to change again. She went on to pursue her medical degree and to quit drinking. My life changed too.

I met Sam. She was a new nurse at County and I was completely smitten. There was a different connection between us. We got along better than I had ever gotten along with anyone ever since Danijela. It was great. She had Alex, a son. He was a great kid. At first, Sam was weary of our strange friendship. But I understood, he needed a male figure in his life, someone stable. We talked a lot about his dad and how their lives were so far. He was an adventurous kid. I think he sought me out from the first time we saw each other. I didn't mind him trying to hook me up with his mom, but I wasn't going to force myself upon her. I wanted it to be her decision to come to me, and she did. We had great times. I felt myself falling in love all over again. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I loved them completely, with my heart, mind and soul. Only, Sam and I, we weren't on the same level. I saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom and my heart leapt into my throat with the prospect that I might have another chance to be a father again. I mean, Alex was like a son to me, but to have a child that is biologically yours, that is entirely a completely different feeling. Here is a being that was created from a fusion of two objects too tiny to see with the naked eye. It's the only thing in life you really can screw up. Even though you might be afraid of what kind of parent you'll be, you can screw up the fact that there was a fusion of genetic material and now a being was growing in your lover's body. I say lover because a lover is someone you love totally and completely and they feel the same way in return. There's so much passion in all that you do and you don't want it to ever end. And that's how I felt about Sam when I saw the kit. And that was the last time I felt that way about her. I asked her about the kit, if she was pregnant. She was rather content to know that she wasn't and that deeply hurt me. We had many discussions on the finer points of why I thought we should have kids and why she didn't want anymore. We even went to couple's therapy. That's how much I realized I wanted that. That's how much I realized she didn't want any of that. That's when I realized we needed to go our separate ways. I let her go and she never turned back around.

Then, there was that fateful day that brought Abby back to me. She got upset with me and Clemente because of a little pissing match we had. I know now it was pig-headed of me and that I really hurt her. I don't know what we were thinking that night. She came to my apartment, knocked on my door and headed down the hallway. She was almost gone by the time I opened my door. But she didn't continue on, she turned back around and came into my apartment to berate me, I guess. But instead, we ended up making love to each other, and I do mean making love. It wasn't a casual escapade – there was something to it, and that is when our child was created, I'm almost sure of it. I wouldn't think of it any other way. Our energies were so raw, it was scary. And after that, we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. So many stolen moments, it was better than the first time around. I felt we were genuinely happy with each other. And now, I am even happier, yet I am angry. I am happy that Abby is carrying my child and angry that she has even thought about not having it. And to show my love for her, I told her I would support her, no matter what she decided, but I also decided I wouldn't let another woman walk over me. Abby can do that to you sometimes; be overbearing. I know it's out of her insecurities, but if she'd just put them away, she could be so much happier, I know. So, I told her what I thought, that I wanted the child. But I also didn't want to make her uncomfortable with her being, the person she had grown into since I've known her. I want that for her, self-love.


	8. Agreements

Chapter 8: Agreements

Even though she told me she'd call me as soon as she was done with what she had to do, I still feel a little anxious. My heart skips beats every few minutes as the phones go off in the ER. The ER seems another world to me as I sit around in a daze; waiting patiently for her call. I glance back up at the clock and decide that certainly she must be done with whatever she needed to do. She hasn't called me. I think that if she'd gone through with the abortion that she wouldn't want to talk to me, and I don't think that I'd want to talk to her, actually. I would need some time to grieve over the loss of my third child. Three children to be taken away from me and there was nothing I could have done about it. I tried to do something about this one, though. I know that's got to count for something, doesn't it, God? Hey, there's someone I haven't talked to in a while. I forgot what a comforting presence I feel when I think of Him. I glance at the clock again and realize my shift is over. I walk to the lounge and grab my coat. And I feel an overwhelming presence upon me. Instead of going to my truck to go back to my apartment and wait for Abby's call, I feel I must take a walk by the river.

There she is, I see her, seated. As if she was waiting for me. I walk up behind her and I speak, "Hey" she doesn't even turn around. I venture further, "I thought I might find you here." Still, nothing. "You know, it's okay, really it is." I walk around to the front of the bench so I can sit with her and try to console her.

"I couldn't do it."

"What?" I ask, not sure of what I heard.

"I said, 'I couldn't do it,'" she repeated herself. "Luka, we are going to have this baby. I'm terrified, but I have this feeling that this time, it's meant to be. I don't know why, but when I went into Coburn's office, I knew that I couldn't go through it again. I mean, if I never ever wanted kids, why not just get my tubes tied, or a hysterectomy? Because somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, I'd like the chance to perhaps have a child, and I think this is that chance." She turned to me this time, as she continued talking.

"I need to know that you're going to be here for me, 50/50, okay? It's half yours and I want it to know its father and mother. I want it to know that it's loved and wanted and that there isn't anything wrong it can do."

"Of course, Abby. I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you and I want to be here for you and our child. I'm going to be with you every moment, I want to feel every kick, help you through morning sickness, get up at 1 in the morning when you want ice-cream, and eventually get up at 2 in the morning to bring you our child for you to nurse. It will be wonderful Abby." And with that, she falls onto my shoulder, she doesn't say anything. I think she is just content to sit there, being comforted. I care for her, I love her. This is what I do best when I'm with her.

Now that we were having a baby together, the dynamic of our relationship changed drastically. She spends every night at my apartment, whether I am there or not. And soon, I realize that I want to spend every waking moment with her. We have a little routine going and it is great. I come home hours after she'd been asleep in the bed. I walk into the kitchen, get a pop tart and take it into the bedroom with me. Tonight I think will be a strawberry night. She usually doesn't want it heated, and it's always the unfrosted ones. She said she liked the crust. I put the pop tart onto a paper towel and walk into our bedroom. Wow, I think of everything in "our" terms now. It's a strange feeling. I see her sleeping form in the bed. I don't have to worry about not waking her; she usually rolls over as soon as I enter the room. Funny, she didn't roll over like she usually does. Well, I'll just put her pop tart on her side of the bed. I know she'll want it when she wakes up for her "feeding". I never realized I'd be getting up again in the middle of the night for feedings so soon. I must say, it's a strange feeling. I strip down to my boxers and climb into bed beside her. She's always warm. Tonight, surprisingly, she's stripped down to her underwear. I guess with all these covers she's got piled on the bed, who wouldn't be hot? I stare at her for a few moments before I hunker down under the covers next to her. She stirs.

"Hey," she says weakly as I think she's still half-asleep. "How was your shift?" Sometimes she can have conversations in her sleep. She'd actually been doing that a lot recently.

"Ah, it was okay, but I missed you after you left," I say, nuzzling her neck.

"You always say you miss me after I leave."

"That's because I do, don't you miss me when you leave?"

"Of course I do, that's why I wait in bed for you with no clothes on. If I didn't miss you, would I be here?" She asks a little more awake.

"I guess not, although, I have a sneaky suspicion you wait here for me so that you don't have to get out of bed and get yourself one of my pop tarts." With the mention of the word pop tart she flips over so that she's facing me and has a great big grin on her face.

"Your pop tarts? I do believe I purchased those."

"You did, with my money, remember? And then you told me I was not to touch unless I was bringing one to you, remember?"

"I have no recollection of this conversation."

"It's probably one of those ones we had where you were asleep and I was awake."

"Oh, must have been. But since you bring up the subject of pop tarts, can you get me one?"

"Uh, sure. I just got in from working a twelve-hour shift, while you have been in bed for 6 hours, I'm sure, and you're ordering me around. What flavor?" I say jokingly. She just doesn't think it's quite as funny as she punches my arm.

"You can complain after you carry a child for 9 months and deal with gaining 50 pounds, have your feet swell to the size of watermelons, have to pee every 10 minutes and vomit every morning, not to mention, push this kid out of a very, very teeny tiny, did I forget to mention, minuscule hole?" She says now pushed up on her elbow as she rattles of her list of "Why You Should Get Out of the Warm, Comfortable Bed to Get Me a Pop Tart" We do this almost nightly. I sigh and reach over across her and hand her the pop tart and she takes it and hungrily eats away at it.

"The fact that you can predict my pop tart flavor of the night will not remove these panties as intended, mister." And with that, she finishes off the pop tart, tosses the paper towel towards trash and rolls back over.

"But don't be afraid to hold me, Luka. You must hold me." She whispers. This is one of the many ways our conversations go.


	9. And So, It Begins

Chapter 9: And So, It Begins

I hate these mornings. I get off the night shift, exhausted, I come home and I can't fall asleep. My mind is constantly at work. Thinking, calculating, predicting – what, I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I have these thoughts that constantly dance around in my head to some unheard music that somehow correlates with my current situation. What is this situation? I'm not even sure. I mean, I know what it is, but I don't know what _it_ is; what it means. I made my decision and now, I must move on from that point in my life. I sometimes wish I could see into the parallel universes they describe in science fiction. I wish I could know what would've happened had we not slept together. Had a child not been created. I can't know those things now, not ever. Too bad. I bet it would cut down on a lot of problems in the world or, create more problems than their worth, so I guess it's just as well that I don't know any more than I do. I hear the door to the apartment open and I know he's home. He's never actually gotten home so soon after me. I'm not quite sure how he worked that out. I think my body's set on some kind of schedule now, a person schedule. No matter what, whenever Luka comes home, I have to have a pop tart. He can come in at 7 in the evening or 4 am, and I'll still want that pop tart.

I feel my eyelids getting heavy; finally, sleep comes for me. Luka's pretty good about not waking me just to give me a pop tart. He's now taken to leaving them on the nightstand by my side of the bed. A little midnight snack already made. After what seems an eternity, I feel him climb in beside me and now I don't feel so sleepy anymore. I try to fall back asleep, but I don't think it'll work. I turn over and stare at him. He's so handsome, but he looks so tired. He's looking back at me now, probably wondering why I'm looking at him. I can't help it, I feel so much for him right now. He's decided to stick by me and we're going to care for this child together and that brings me peace of mind somehow. But right now, I don't feel at peace. I've been thinking about all the things we need to get done and I can't help but feel that we don't have a lot of time to get it all done. Our relationship isn't even defined. We haven't really talked about it and I actually like that arrangement. For now, I'll just keep coming over to his apartment. We're not really living together, but I don't want him to miss out on anything, partly because I know he would hurt too much to not be apart of the whole experience and partly because I am terrified. He's been through two pregnancies before, and even though I was an OB/GYN nurse, it's different to experience the pregnancy yourself.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey."

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's okay, I wasn't really sleepy."

"No? Why, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking."

"Really? What were you thinking about?"

"I was just thinking about all the things we need to get done before the baby comes," I say sitting up.

"Relax, we've got plenty of time."

"You say that now, but pretty soon I'm going to be seven months and we're going to have a lot of shopping to do and I won't be much fun to shop with."

"Sure you will, I can wheel you around town and you can pick out whatever you want." I've tuned him out at this point. Other things are now on my mind, like where my midnight snack is. He didn't put one on the nightstand and the baby really wants it.

"I'm hungry," I say to him.

"Really? And what are you hungry for?"

"A pop tart."

"No, no more pop tarts. You keep eating those and you're going to give birth to a pop tart instead of a baby."

"That wouldn't be too bad, pop tarts are only 4 inches wide, not like a baby's head at all."

"You are not eating anymore pop tarts." I frown and stick out my lip, hoping he will just go and get the damn pop tart. He's starting to tick me off. He doesn't budge so I make the move to the kitchen.

"Hey, where are you going?" He calls after me.

"Where does it look like I'm going? To the kitchen to get the baby a pop tart. You know, if you keep this up I'm going to have to report you for neglecting your child," I call teasingly. I hear him hop out of the bed and hustle down the hallway after me.

"Well, if you must eat now, let me make you some eggs." I frown again because I don't want eggs. Why can't he understand that I want pop tarts?

"Here, sit down while I make the eggs." I sit down at the table waiting impatiently. It wouldn't have taken long to pull a pop tart out of the wrapper. Not that it takes more than 5 minutes to whip up an egg, but I could be eating right now instead of waiting an extra five minutes. Actually, I could've already eaten had he just put the pop tart on the nightstand in the first place.

"What are you thinking about now? You're not mad that I won't let you have a pop tart, are you?"

"Huh? No," I lie. "I was just thinking about all the things we need to get before the baby gets here."

"Really? And what is it that we need to get for the baby?" I sit for a moment and then pull out a sheet of paper and pen so I can jot things down as they come to me.

"Well, we need onesies, two carseats, baby monitors, two cribs, two strollers, "

"Two car seats? Why do we need two of everything?" Well, Luka, we haven't exactly decided what we're going to do once we have the baby, but I was thinking separate is better. I can't say that though, can I?

"Well, I'm sure you'd want the baby to spend some time with you and you need stuff for your apartment."

"Why can't you and the baby move in here?" Oh goodness, this is a conversation I certainly didn't want to delve into so soon.

"I guess that might be a conversation for later. Are my eggs done yet? The baby is hungry."

"Uh, yeah, here ya go." He says as he hands me a plate of eggs. They don't look really appetizing, but I am hungry.

After we've both calmed down from the morning, we get dressed and head out to do some baby shopping. I mean, it could be fun, right? Who doesn't like to look at cute little baby outfits. I just want to do some pricing really. At first, our walk is silent, then Luka grabs my hand as he starts in on what I'm sure will be another conversation as to why we need two of everything.

"So," he began. "How many do you think is in there?"

"Huh?" That's not what I expected to come out of his mouth. "What do you mean? How many do I think's in where?" He then gestures to my belly, where the baby is, one baby that is.

"Um, one?" I say. He sheepishly grins at me.

"Maybe two?" He counters. He's now giggling. I, however, do not find the thought of carrying two children funny at all.

"Luka, what are you talking about?"

"Twins, they uh – they run in my family." Now I let go of his hand and smack him on the arm.

"You couldn't have told me this before we started sleeping together? You better hope for your sake that there's only one baby in here. Your life just might get really miserable." I comment. I see the baby store I want to look at. I've passed it so many times on my way to the hospital. I never thought I'd actually shop in there for myself. I feel butterflies rise in my belly.

"Here," I say stopping in front of the store. "Let's look in here."

"Okay, after you." Luka says as he holds the door open for me. He can be such a gentleman. It might not be so bad that he's the father of my child. It might not be so good that I'm the mother, but I think it just might work itself out, I hope.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I don't exactly know the lay out of the store. A sales lady approaches us and I drag Luka in the opposite direction. I don't want to seem as if I don't know what I'm doing. We wander over to a clothes rack and I begin to pull out clothes to look at. They're hideous. I think I might have to break down and buy some nice-looking clothes. Although, I can just hide out in large scrubs, hopefully I won't get any bigger than that. Luka's looking at the stuffed animals that sit on the carousel that sits behind us. He turns back around to me and sticks a stuffed toy in my face.

"Do you think the baby will like this?" He asks.

"Eww, No, I don't think it will." I say laughing and grabbing the toy. It really isn't all that cute.

"Oh, how do you know it won't like it?"

"Because I don't like it and the baby will have my sense of taste."

"Oh, it will, will it?" I nod and he places the toy back on the rack behind us. I turn back around to the rack I was browsing when I notice a familiar face waltz into the store. It really is too soon for Luka and me to make announcements about our impending event. I grab his hand and pull the pair of pants I was looking at off the rack.

"What are we doing?" He asks as I pull him to the floor.

"I see someone." I whisper.

"Well, I don't think she sees us."

"That's not the point," I reply as I pull him away from where the girl is looking. "She'll go back to the hospital and tell everyone she saw us in here."

"Oh." Was all that Luka could say. I pull Luka towards the fitting rooms in hopes of hiding out.

"We're going to try these pants on." I say to the clerk, she must think it weird that Luka's following me in the room. I can't chance that the girl will see us.

"Oooo, this could get interesting." Luka says as we stumble into the dressing room. I pull the curtain straight and try to peak out the side, but Luka is busy trying to peak through my shirt.

"Cut that out." I hiss at him as I swat his hand away. His hand sneaks back up my shirt and I turn back around to face him.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"I'm helping you take off your clothes so you can try on those pants." He winks and continues to undo my top.

"Well, I don't think my top needs to come off, just my pants."

"Oh, well, here, let me help you out of those." I stare at him for a minute with my hands on my hips as he starts towards the zipper. I think I just might let him unzip the pants. He looks up at me as if he's unsure as to proceed. I just stare and he unzips my pants. I step my legs apart so that they fall to my feet and I step out of the pants. I take the pants I'm holding in my hand and bend down so I can get them around my feet and Luka takes them from me.

"Hey! What are you doing? I thought you wanted to help me try the pants on." I say.

"Well, I do, but I think your panties need to come off too." He says and he takes the pants from my hands and encircles his arms around my waist and nuzzles my neck. I've had sex in a lot of places, but never in a dressing room, and certainly not in a dressing room with just a curtain.

"Well –" I start, but Luka's mouth is suddenly covering mine and I can't help but to allow him to capture my lips in a kiss. At first, they're short, sweet kisses. It's been a couple of weeks since I've been with him since telling him about the baby. I've kinda been on edge; tired, achy, sick. We're now kissing with an intensity that begs to be satiated quickly. I hate to do this to him, but I'm not game for sex in a dressing room that people could just waltz in and see what we're doing. I pull away from him and hold my hand to his chest as he tries to kiss me some more.

"Not here." I whisper to him.

"Aw, come on Abby, no one will know."

"I will know. I'll let you buy the baby the stuffed toy if we can continue our little adventure back at your place." I say with a wink.

"Ahhh, but the whole point was to help you try on the pants."

"Well, we can buy the pants and you can help me try them on at home. Is that a deal?"

"Deal," he says and we seal it with one last lingering kiss. He quickly throws me my pants and I pull them on. I straighten myself out a bit and we exit the dressing room with the clerk staring at us pointedly as if she knew what we were up to in that room. The exact reason why I didn't want to have sex in the dressing room.

It is hours later as we lay on Luka's couch. We never quite made it to the bedroom. The blood in our bodies was already flowing in places that blood should not overflow into. We purchased our items and made a mad dash out the door for Luka's car. We kissed as soon as we got into our seats, and as Luka drove the way to his apartment, our lips would meet in between the seats every few minutes. It was great. I never realized how great pregnancy hormones made sex. We arrived at Luka's and hopped out the car, leaving our purchases behind. The mad dash up the stairs was briefly halted by an old couple coming down the stairs hand in hand. My mind briefly flashed to a future I might share with Luka. Then Luka snapped me out of my imaginings by grabbing my hand pulling me up the stairs into his apartment. As soon as we hit the door, we wasted no time in undressing each other. I think our clothes are still in a pile right by the door. I'm laying on top of Luka now. His hair is in his eyes and he looks absolutely peaceful. I think we needed this. I slide off his body and walk towards the door to retrieve our clothes. He barely stirs. I put on my clothes and head downstairs to retrieve my pants and that damn stuffed toy he wanted.

I decide to take a stroll around the block to think about things. I'm not sure what I want to think about. I feel like that's all I've been doing for the past couple of weeks. There isn't really much more for me to think about, I don't think. Not anything I can plan right now. I know that I'm going to have this baby with Luka and I know he will be with me every step of the way. So for now, I guess I should stop torturing myself. I should let myself go – enjoy this pregnancy. There will be plenty of moments for torture – more morning sickness, peeing every five minutes, exams every couple of weeks to make sure the baby is okay. Quiet moments when none of that is going on should be reserved as happy moments. Happy moments.


	10. On The Other Hand

Chapter 10: On the Other Hand

She thinks I don't worry either. She feels alone sometimes even though I told her I'd be right there with her. Sometimes I get a little sad to know that she doesn't trust me completely, wholly. She relies on herself. She's uncomfortable with herself, and until she can find that comfort, I'm not so sure we're gonna make it. I have my doubts. I am scared; I have fears just like she does. We never talk to each other about these things. What we think about our situation. We just go on about our days. Waking, working, sleeping, eating. I wish I could make her understand that I'm just as afraid as she is. I don't know what the future will hold for us. I don't know if I can be a good father again. I already let down one family; I don't want to let down another. It hurts too much to see the ones you love fall so far away from you. My heart still aches every now and then when I think of Danijela, Jasna, and Marko. I think of them in the building where we lived, waiting for me. Looking into my eyes as I try to breathe life back into them. There were too many bodies for me to try to sustain. I only had strength for one, but I couldn't pick one; I cared for them all. I let all of them down. I hate moments like these, when I take a trip down memory lane. It's a path hard to walk alone and I wish I had someone with me to hold my hand; to anchor me. So that it will be just a trip, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want to forget my family, but I don't want to relive the most painful moment in my life over and over again. It seems like those last few moments are all I have of them. It's as if I start down the path of memory lane and I never get far. I always stop at that rock in my path, the last memory and I am unable to move, unable to heal. I turn back around, unable to face anymore. Why should I be allowed to remember all the happy times with my family when this great tragedy that has befallen me. I can't think of it any other way. I want so much to think of it as something that God wanted to happen. I want so desperately to understand why He deemed it necessary to take them away from me. I guess it's just something I'm not meant to know. That is the frustrating part.

These are my thoughts as I feel Abby slide off of me after an exhausting afternoon. We started out with breakfast and then to a baby store. I haven't been in one of those since Carol. And there we were, Abby and I, browsing items for our baby. It was nice to spend a relaxing afternoon with her. Things have been so tense between us these last few weeks. I've tried to be supportive of her, but she insists on doing things on her own. I know she's trying, which is why when I come home, I get her a pop tart. Except for this morning, and she was a little bit upset, I think. I don't remember if Danijela was that way with her cravings, but then again, every pregnancy is different. I remember how Danijela and I would lay in bed for hours, me caressing her belly with one hand while she held the other. We would talk hours on end about what kind of life we would give our child and what we wanted the future to be like. We had dreams for our children, we had dreams. I think Danijela wanted Jasna to be a ballerina, I thought she'd make a nice teacher. I wanted practical things for my children, but Danijela seemed to fancy ideas of grandeur. She though Marko would be a painter, partly because he loved finger painting a little too much. I'm not sure what I wanted Marko to be. I think with sons it's different. You want them to do better than you, but growing up, I thought being a doctor was the greatest thing in the world. When Marko was born, I couldn't imagine what I might want his future to hold. I know what it did happen to hold in our war-torn country. Even though I couldn't imagine a future for him, I knew that war was not what I wanted for him, for anyone in my family. So, Danijela and I decided to wait until after I finished my rotations to move to America where our children wouldn't face fighting in the streets. So they wouldn't have to sneak along to school as if they were sinning. That was the future Danijela and I had decided on together for our children. Sadly, I had to leave that future behind. A future with my wife and children. I never did leave the future of living in America without war. I came to America to practice medicine and that's what I'm doing now. It's been great. Then I've had my doubts.

I grew tired of living in this place where there are so many people living in the world without. I was at a fork on the road of life. I could continue practicing medicine in a place with people that I wasn't too sure about or search for meaning in my life. I chose meaning in my life. I went to Africa and it was great. I was helping people and I could tell from their faces that they really appreciated what I was doing for them. I never felt so alive before. Everything that had happened before was in a life that had passed away and I was like a zombie. When I went to Africa, I awoke from my walking slumber and a new life, a new purpose grew within me. It was raw and powerful and made me feel like I had control in my life once again. But then, I got sick, I got sick and grew weak. It was there in my darkest hour, after I'd given up all hope, that I began to pray again. I prayed to a God that I thought had surely forsaken me. He dealt me a serious and crushing blow by taking my family away from me. I couldn't think of anything that I'd done to deserve such a punishment. It was a cruel thing He'd done to me and I turned away from Him. Surely a just and loving god wouldn't punish a faithful person who had done no wrong. Well, I wasn't completely infallible, but I went to church every Sunday with my family. I taught my children to love the Lord for He promised eternal life for those who worshiped Him and kept to His word. The day my children died was the day my faith fell away from me. I had no direction in my life anymore. I felt that God had dropped me in the middle of nowhere without a guide. There I was, praying for the dying people around me. People who had nothing but faith to cling to. That was all they were clinging to, and I was jealous. I thought, how could they still worship a god who allowed them to suffer from disease and suffer through war with no food, no water, the harshest of living conditions – what was that life to them? As I immersed myself in their culture, I began to understand. Faith was the belief that things would get better, no matter what they were going through at that time, they believed things would get better. I sat with a man one day and I asked him how he could have such strong faith in his god. He told me that throughout all their suffering, he was thankful. He was thankful for the life he was given to live because God gave it to him. He said that he knew it was a hard life to live but God had given it to him because God knew he was the only that could live it. The man asked me why if I believed. I told him at one point I did.

"Why did you stop?" He asked.

"Because I couldn't see why a God would punish me by taking away my family and my life when I had been nothing but faithful to Him and had done everything He asked of me."

"He took away your family? What happened to them?"

"There was a war in my country, much like the one here. I was out for a little while. When I went back to where I lived, my building had been bombed. I tried to save them. I was a doctor, after all. God made me a healer. But I couldn't heal them."

"The war, was it bad?"

"Yeah, it was real bad."

"Did you pray for a better way?"

"I did. My family and I prayed all the time that God would save us from this war. I didn't want them to live like that."

"Don't you think He answered your prayers?"

"No, the war lingered on and my family died."

"Perhaps you are thinking about it the wrong way?"

"What do you mean? My family is dead."

"That they are, but are they living through a war anymore?"

I had to pause for a moment when he asked me that question. It's like that saying, "Be careful what you wish for." Only it was more like, "Be careful what you pray for." The man was right, I did pray for them to be taken away from that place of war. I guess He did take them away from that place. All I could do was turn away from Him. At that moment, the man grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Then he closed his eyes and I closed mine, and we communed there together in prayer and I felt a peace come over me.

I had a different understanding when I went back to the states. I saw things differently than everyone around me and I rubbed many people the wrong way. I thought if I could make them see what I saw in Africa, they would feel differently. They didn't exactly come around to my way of thinking though. I could feel God pulling me back to Africa and so I went. It was on that second trip that I got sick. There were days when I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I still prayed to God to help me through. After Carter came and rescued me and told me how the men that had captured me hadn't killed me because they thought I was a Priest it was then that I realized God was by my side. It is a comforting thought and sometimes I forget to think it. It's easier to not think about it, but I find myself torn sometimes because I feel that not thinking about it only condemns my soul even more.

It's funny. Abby doesn't really believe despite the foundation for her recovery with alcoholism. Alcoholics Anonymous has a deep connection with faith to help the person recover from their addiction. Perhaps that is sometimes why she can't resist a drink, she doesn't believe enough. Sometimes I think she's a stronger believer than she wants to be, or else she has a very strong will. Perhaps it is a mixture of both. I know she hasn't smoked or had alcohol or, surprisingly no coffee since she found out she was pregnant and for that, I am very grateful. If I saw her drinking or smoking, I think I'd have to say something and somehow, I don't think she'd appreciate it. She'd be defensive and to an extreme, perhaps she'd have gotten that abortion. But I feel we have some connection with each other and to something entirely beyond us that knows we need this in our lives. Our lives are in need of a change and this entire situation was a part of that plan for change. I know I don't know all the details and that I just have to follow along as best I can, but I certainly hope the change is for the better.

* * *

Reviews inspire me! And so does the impending series finale! Then I will have complete freedom to satisfy carby and luby and who cares that Maura Tierney likes the lubies better? She doesn't know what's good for Abby after all these years of playing the character. *tsk tsk*


	11. Anecdotes: Apprehensions

Chapter 11: Anecdotes: Apprehensions

I wake with a start, waiting for that familiar lurch in my stomach, but strangely, I don't feel it and I don't have to dart to the bathroom and wake Luka up. Even though I spend nearly all my time here, I like dealing with things by myself. Something along the lines of "If you want things done, you have to do them yourself" type of deal. It's not a bad deal, I've often found. I lie back down underneath the warm covers and try to close my eyes. I think my body is used to waking up at this hour now. Sleep is fleeting now. I only have 20 more minutes before the alarm is due to go off. I decide to get up. I head to the kitchen to scrounge around for some breakfast, but I don't think I really want anything. I walk back to the bedroom and pull out my clothes. I think I'll wear those pants I let Luka help me try on. I go to the bathroom and start the water. Soon, steam starts to fill the bathroom and I strip down and climb in. The warm water cascades down my body and seems to wash away all the aches in my body. All the stress I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks seems to wash down the drain. So I stand underneath the shower head, facing the wall and leaning on it with my palms. The water falls down my back and massages away the aches. I turn back around and just stand there and think. I think about what my life will be like with the baby in it. I have already had to completely overhaul the simplest of things such as getting up in the morning and making a cup of coffee. Or on my cigarette break actually go smoke a cigarette. It's only a matter of time before people start making connections. I'm not sure why I'm not ready to parade around work that I'm pregnant. I'm treating this as if it is a disease and I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Ha, now that I think about it, being pregnant is kind of like a disease. You've got this thing, a parasite if you will, growing in your belly stealing all your nutrients so it can survive. Even after the baby is born, it's still a parasite – we're all still parasites. We need things from other people for survival, sometimes, in some situations, the host-parasite state of being can be fatal. I think that's why all my relationships seem to never work out. I am the host and my partners are the parasites. They want so much from me; too much, in fact. There's only so much I am able to give in support. I need someone who doesn't require so much, because I too, require so little. I think. Wow, I think it's time to stop this relaxation because my mind is wondering so far away from me.

I turn off the water and Luka steps into the bathroom. Well, hopefully I'll be able to get dressed alone in the room while he's in the bathroom. I slide a towel around my body and step to the medicine cabinet and pull out toothpaste so I can brush my teeth. Luka's still tired from his shift last night, but he still gives me a quick peck on the cheek. He can be sweet when I least expect it. I finish brushing my teeth and scrub my face down. Pregnancy hormones like to wreak havoc with your face I've discovered. The bedroom is slightly warm, I suppose from the steam emanating from the bathroom. There are clothes everywhere. I think I might tidy up a bit when I get a chance. It's surprising that I haven't tried to keep Luka's apartment not looking like a bachelor pad. Perhaps it is my subconscious unwilling to admit that I'm actually in a relationship with him. I suppose I could start behaving as if I was; we are sharing a child.

I walk to the dresser and pull out some panties and a bra. I casually walk over to the closet to browse through shirts and slacks before deciding on a pair of brown pants and a cream colored top. I pause in front of the mirror to check out my profile. I don't really notice a change in my shape at all. I wonder how long it'll take to start showing. Once that little bulge starts growing, how long will I be able to hide it under flowing shirts and big sweaters?

I am startled out of my thoughts when Luka comes up behind me with nothing on except for his boxers. He encircles my waist and splays his hands across my abdomen and softly caresses it. I cover his hands with mine and we sway in front of the mirror, back and forth. I turn to face him and gently capture his lips with my own. He holds me in his embrace for a few moments more before I disengage and nod towards the clock on the stand. I leave the bedroom and head for the kitchen.

Rummaging through the cabinets has left me a little sad. Nothing but healthy food is stocked. When did he find time to go shopping? Or is this how he's always lived? Or, is this who he became after Sam moved in. A woman can always tell when there another woman present and I can sense Sam in this apartment. That bothers me. I don't like to dwell on it, but every now and then I think of a not so distant past in which Sam existed. I mean, I see her practically every day at work and I am to appear as though nothing has happened. As if I'm not sleeping with her ex-boyfriend, although, he was my ex first. And now I wonder if I am living with the ghost of her. Their relationship seemed so much more real to me than the one Luka and I had. But now I wonder how things will be different other than the presence of this child. I've yet to understand why it didn't work in the first place. He hurt me. Did I hurt him? Maybe. We hurt each other and then I began to fall out of love with him. Perhaps it was just a longing heart at first. My divorce had just gone through not so long ago and Richard was the only person I'd been with for so long. Luka was someone new. He was something new. And I was just fine with that. And then, Carter. I know we had some sort of deeper connection. And maybe that's what tore us apart. I actually went with everything I was feeling and I let myself get hurt. Then I backtracked and everything fell apart. And then, everything fell into place. It wasn't about being in a relationship anymore. I realized I couldn't focus on something that precious if I wasn't put together myself. Luka sent in my med school application and Carter paid my tuition. All I had to do was put in the leg work. Look at me now, Dr. Lockhart. Third-year resident, unmarried with a baby on the way. It's not at all how I envisioned it; but somehow it's suiting me just fine. We plan out a path before us, unable to predict the rocks, bumps, holes, trees or mountains we must navigate around until we actually get there. It is our ingenuity and resources that we must rely on and must never take for granted.

* * *

I'm stuck on Chapter 12 and I only work on this when I'm off from work, which is once a month. *wee*


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